FRIDAY NIGHT BLUES

Greetings All, and I hope you are well, truly. I don't know how much I'm going to get down tonight, I'm a bit tired, and sobering up and it is 1:48 in the am. Anyway, tonight I came to an incredible epiphany. I KNOW why drunks and drug addicts are drunks and drug addicts....I've gotten there (even though I'm neither) myself.

I had a long, not bad day. I got up at 6:30am (middle of the night to my particular biology) to be on the set (see pic #2) of a UCLA Students Thesis film (an extra yelling at a nut case out of a car window). We rolled until almost 2pm at which point I ran over to Kaiser to have multiple viles of blood drawn for my HIV Doctor, then on to Jim Canavan's to drop off some containers, then over to my co-worker & friend Minta's to pick up some tools, then off to Ralph's to get some supplies, then home to crash for nearly 3 hours (as is my habit lately, for whatever reason, I only seem to sleep 4 hours at a whack). When I got up I walked the Cha Cha, played on the dirty sites, and made dinner and a drink (then two...how Dr. Sues) & watched 2 episodes of "Pushing Daisies".

Pushing Daisies is one of the most wonderful series I've seen in ages...but then, it's the only series I've seen in ages...not being able to afford cable (along with everything else in life). It's beautiful to look at, funny, sweet, clever and just plain delightful. But while I was watching it I mixed my second drink (let's call it the "after dinner cocktail", as I had the other with dinner), and of course, being the cheap drunk I am, was totally blitzed.

Now the weird thing about me being blitzed is that there is ALWAYS that ration "Richard" present who is not blitzed and taking in everything....I can't explain what I mean if you don't experience it yourself. So while the wild and wooley Dick/Turk who got himself HIV infected, can't find work and has given up on life blissfully zombies out, Richard is saying, "Hmmmmm, this is very interesting." Although all lifes, hardships, hurts and evils are still present, they simply don't matter. Dick knows he's broke and jobless and there is no income for rent or car payment next month...it doesn't matter or hurt. His agonizing mouth full of bad teeth, the constant horrible white noise in his ears, the choking sensation in his throat with the pain in the back of his neck where he had his surgery doesn't matter. The horrible pain in his intestine and lower back is forgotten, his arthritis and infected sinus is a thought of the past. His snuggly warm love of the cat and dog next to him, and the sweet story he's watching, and lifting the glass to his lips for his next sip are all that really matter. This is why the drunk is the drunk, the heroin & crystal addict shoot up, the crack and Tina smoker smoke...on and on...because the pain and the ugliness of the world are there, but...simply don't matter.

**Sigh**...but then there is me, Richard. Who has slapped Dick/Turk's hand from taking a Vicodin (let's not forget XX), and is now downing a cup of coffee and making himself right before bed to sober up....and allowing back in fear of no finances, the fact that Dick is a desperate sex addict heading for the rocks, and allowing back in all the physical pain that comes along with mortality, that he, Richard is afraid of loosing. You see, Dick doesn't give two squats anymore if he leaves here...the world has done him wrong...in fact, he'd like to close his eyes for the last time and not feel any more. He's worked hard, given love and honesty, and been given lies in return. He's been proven unlovable and unworthy of friendships...Ah well.

Tomorrow, I, Richard will get up and try and make Dick be productive...pay bills do some work, etc., and he will fight back every step of the way, because he hurts, and he's tired, and just doesn't want to fight the fight anymore. Richard, however, is a Lion Heart...he will fight until the last finger can no longer move. They are both such wonderful guys, too bad no one sees it...to bad they don't have a better relationship...too bad the world doesn't crack them a break.

G'night folks, who aren't there.

Hugs, Dick/Turk/Richard/Hotep

PS: The first pic is my sweet little man Cha Cha.

Monday Night Blues (and a short little tale from the past)

Greetings all my myriad of adoring fans. It is Monday night and I'm sitting here after dinner with my what seems to have become my nightly Whiskey Sour, digesting and ready to put my hour (or so) of writing in. I have been skipping nights as I have come to realize that doing this nightly, I have virtually nothing to report, although I suppose I could be telling a tale of the past just to get then down. For what I don't really know as no one will ever read it, or even care if they did...but I do and I guess that's what's important.

Well, let's cover the health first. My teeth are over the board killing me...as well as my gums...2 teeth in particular. I have made up my mind to call my friend Jim's dentist tomorrow about help, the worst he can say is "No". And right now my ear is starting to hurt.

Other parts of the body: Again, I believe all totally unrelated to the HIV, my leg where the muscle tore feels weird and week. My left knee...which may be a by-product of the gimpy right leg, is killing me...it feels like someone is driving a needle into it. My right side still has that sharp point of pain off an on, and my ears are ringing to beat the band. My neck and spine are still twinging...I'm ffucking falling apart.

Saturday and Saturday night was our June "Full Moon Open Ritual". We had a great time (see small pics) and a large crowd....Although we are not all close friends, I love Pat, Collie, Jayson and Holly dearly, and have much fun with them. The guest are all great and I try very hard to be less self conscious and more out going...being an introvert is getting me no place. As always (at least lately), I called in the East, and Banished the Unwanted (which I wrote and always do). The funny thing about this moon, everyone, except for a new comer, Bill (Danes new BF) who brought sushi, came with either fruit or a desert. Thank goodness I made a huge pot of split pea with ham.

Yesterday, Sunday, was uneventful. I got up late and bowed out of breakfast with the Warrior's so I could be lazy. We spent until 4pm assigning cleaning up from the night before and assigning classes for Holly when and if she accepts to study with us. Then I drove up to Woodland Hills, paid my rent, made an exchange at Target came home and conked out until 8pm. At some point wrote to the Warrior's about doing a love spell to get someone in my life. Gotta be positive about that.

Anyhow, that's it for now, enjoy the pictures All you adoring fans!

Hugs and G'night

FRIDAY, BLOODY FRIDAY...

Greetings All! Which means me.......Today was a Smashing day! I lie of course, I was bored off my gord and didn't want to be any where near anything called employment. However, the world being what it is, and be that we must toil rediculously at things we hate (well, maybe not hate, maybe just bored by) to keep a roof over our heads, a vehicle under our well ffucked asses (I wish) and food on the table and in the doggie/kitty/birdie bowls. Anyhow it wasn't a bad day in spite of wishing to be else where and doing something else.

Yesterday we got a large clothing donation in from the Geffen theater. They are cleaning out their back stock because they are over crowded, and we got it, basically 'cause they know where it is if they need it (UCLA owns the Geffen). The first picture is of me in a wonderfully 20-esque (I can't figure out if it's real or not, looks like it could be) slouch coat with real fur worn by Mary Steenburgen in a production there. Moments after taking it off my head started iching like I had cooties from hell...and still ain't right. Mary, did you have cooties???

Anyway, home here, I was supposed to go over to the Eagle with old Jim, but he backed out not feeling well. Which is fine because I didn't really want to go anyway. So here I sit after a dinner of Sausage on a roll and slit pea soup with my Manhattan typing my sad little life to no one in particular. However, I am vastly enjoying myself (really). Is this what strange, pathetic old men do in the evening?

Picture #2 was a set up for facebook last night...again, the things an odd 55 year old man will do to amuse himself while alone. The caption on facebook with the picture read: In 1964 Grampy Poverchuck disappeared without a trace, and Nannies Pickling basement was suddenly full with a near lifetime supply of canned mincemeat. Shortly thereafter she created her famous recipe "Russian Mincemeat Surprise", and I'm the only one she shared it with...tonight I shall share it with you! Most ingredients are readily available in your pantry...it's the plump, firm Russian that's difficult to wrangle. A homeless will do in a pinch....

Sadly, it didn't get quite the response I was expecting, but a moderate feed back for my efforts. *Sigh*...I do so try to make folks laugh. Again, actually more to make myself laugh...out of work on the 30th, no work or money in site. I'm scared, angry, feel like shit and, yes, the ever popular "old".

Anyway, since my efforts at writing here are being successful, at least for this week, I think I shall try and actually start writing SOMETHING nightly...just to say I'm doing something! Although, I got a shit load of sewing to do. I should set up the living room as a work room and get the ffuck busy.

Tomorrow is Moon with the Rainbow Warriors (www.therainbowwarriors.org), so I may or may not do a post tomorrow.....OH! Why don't I do a post of me and the love of my life at out Litha Ritual Last Saturday. The only one of 1.5 men I have ever loved romantically...the little piss-ass just didn't love me back, although the affection & sex was astounding. Still melts me to a puddle when I'm near him.

G'Night FFuckers, where ever you are.

Turk/Dick/Hotep

My Wednesday Night Regular

It's 12:49am and I'm just eating dinner. Wednesday night has turned into a fisting session with a hot Hispanic Bartender...supposedly just learning to take a fist. Anyway, let me start with my day.

Work, Got in a little late today, about 15 minutes, as I was up a little late last night baking and playing on facebook (see picture #3). But it was a good day. It was just me and my co-worker Paul, and a stop in by some students, Sarah, Traci and Daniella, and by the fill in professor Pamella. Got the upstairs "Period Cage", kind of back in order, and then Paul gave me a lift home...just in time to walk the Cha Cha and do some quick cleaning before Steve got here.

As always, Steve brought beer, a newspaper and immediately jumped in the shower to douche while I set up the sling and got things ready. When finished, he jumped in the sling and I took my seat. Let me tell you, for someone "in training" he has managed to take a fist completely and well almost immediately. He's very much into rubber so he wore his rubber jock and t-shirt, and a hood after a while (again, see pic #2). Although I fucked him and dumped a load in his ass, and fist pounded him, it was still important to him that he cum, and the best way for that was for him to lay on the bed and let him suck my dick while he jacked. Well, one thing led to another and I ended up in the sling with him eating my ass. All in all, an entertaining evening. Rest 2morrow.

He did take a picture of me and just reconfirmed, I MUST get back to the gym and loose some weight!!! Just to embarrass myself I'm including it. See picture #1.

Have a good night all.

Greetings All, and a happy "Mid Summer Solstice" a day late. It's 9:12pm I just mixed myself a Whiskey Sour and I'm washing dishes, feeding the babies (Cha Cha and Topo, see photo), and getting my dinner ready. I have been promising to make sure I do some kind of Journaling daily, along with some writing.

Hmmm, where to begin? My last post was eons ago and lots has happened. Well, let's begin with finances and work, that's always fun. I'm broke. I go no where and do nothing and barely get by even with the little extra I make here and there. Not complaining mind you, but it DOES get scarey every once in a while. We are theoretically cut loose for the summer on the 30th of June and no job has yet presented itself, and of course, that makes paying the rent and car and insurance payments (screw the credit cards) a little "iffy", but hey.....

Health Issues, well, let's divide that into two categories, "Teeth" and "Physical/HIV".

Dental/Teeth: In major decay, and of course, no possible way to financially have them taken care of, and of course, no dentist or dental school (Thank you UCLA...mine employer) will have anything to offer in the way of help because I haven't a cent to my name. LOL...my rich bitch student at UCLA 2 years ago actually said to me "Well can't you borrow the money?" Well, I know lots of folks willing to lend me thousands with little prospect of being paid back in less than 20 years...if in full at all. And on the phone she said to me (with total aggravation in her voice) "I think you'd be happier with a private Dentist." Well, in honesty, I would, if I could afford one. Leave it be said I am not looking for a free ride, but man, right now I'd like some help...I have only very few teen (3 to be exact) in the back of my head to chew with and 2 of those desperately need to come out. In a word (or two) "FFUCKEN OUCH." Chewing, what little I can chew, is no picnic.

Physical Health/HIV: I don't know about my HIV, I'm do to go in for my tri-monthly, and I'm still not on meds. However, my physical health seems to be collapsing. In January while running for a bus I tore a muscle in my leg. The specialist I saw at Kaiser (stupidly a Osteo specialist, why the ffuck not a muscle specialist...and these guys have degrees) kept saying "I've Never seen anything like it", and suggested I go to the gym and build the muscle around it...smart...I want to see a Sports Medicine Doctor...asshole. Anyhow, here's the rest, my leg is wonky, my knee on the other foot is in pain from something all of a sudden. My spine, especially where I had surgery 6 years ago is in great pain, as is my right side. And silly me, I don't want to call my Doctor because I don't want him to think I'm a hypacondriac (sp)....all this, believe it or not, seemed to be triggered when I went to a massive free clinic put on by the City of LA to have one of the worst teeth I had pulled (well, actually, shattered, they broke it in 3 places to get the already broken tooth out). This was promptly followed by a massive nasal infection, and then hearing loss and ringing in my ear...all of which is still going on.

Now please to understand...I have rarely gone to the doctor all my life, so this all isn't make believe, somethings really up, but....

Sex Life: Goin' good, harder and harder to get it harder and harder even with the little blue diamond, but as a top ffister that doesn't seem to matter. Been going to the play parties, even when I've been hurtin', and it makes me forget I hurt. Got a couple of regulars, including a cute Hispanic 50 year old bartender that comes over on Wednesday to play. I'm doing my best to ween off of the sex sites. I'm gittin' a little too old for everyone on line, and I should be concentrating on other things.

Love Life: What love life? Would like one. Saw the old BF at our Solstice Ritual on Saturday, my heart still wants to explode when he's around...but if they don't love you back they don't love you back. But honestly, in 55 years Terry is the only one I've ever loved "romantically". The other one that came close, but I took off before I could get involved was Roy. I still stare longingly at all his pics, especially when he's on Bear411. My Gods, such sweetness, such boring vanillaness...but right now, I think I could happily settle for that.

Well dear hearts, I know no one will ever read this, after all, it is basically for me a journal...but I wish you all a good night.

Hugs & Love, Dick/Turk/Hotep

TRANSFORMATIONS...Transformations...transforma....

Well, I'm sitting here 2night, just having finished dinner and having my nightly (which it has becum) "night cap" which is either straight Glenfiddich, a whisky sour or a Manhattan. Obviously, with all my good intentions I have NOT sat down nightly and journaled as I had intended. However, maybe I will be able to change all that. Now, just what would I like to transform...well, the same things I've been wanting to transform for a few years now....but let me outline them.

Okay, so here's a list in no particular order:

A) HEALTH: Well, I already did the big transformation last year, Negative to HIV Positive in early September...discovered my status on December 23 at my regular "you're a dirty boy" check up at the Gay and Lesbian Center. Merry Christmas and Happy Yule.

B) BECOME HEALTHY. Okay, so now that I'm unhealthy, I need to becum healthy, as I had intended before the HIV surprise...these are what I'd like to do.

#1. Loose Weight. I'm floating somewhere around 155lbs...I want to be between 135 and 140. I can do it, I've done much more before, but when I was younger. With the help of Watchers in my 40's I took off 65lbs. Oh, btw, I'm 55 in case I haven't told.

#2. Beef-Up. No, I do not want to look like Arnold Schwarta-what's-his-face...I don't really like muscle and at 55 don't think I could put it on anyway. I like being thin, muscular...very lean. I rejoined a gym close to home in early January and I've yet to get there...I need to get there.

#3. Keep up with all current health issues. a) I pulled a muscle in my leg recently running for the bus and it's causing me problem. b) My colesteral, all of a sudden after a life of no cholesteral is skyrocketing. c) Tan d) Keep better tabs on my asthma, and e) find out what these strange symptoms of outbreaks are (probably HIV related), f) Get new glasses, I'm ffucking blind these days. AND FINALLY, the big one....G) GET MY FFUCKING TEETH TENDED TO!!! I need at least 3 more pulled which will leave me with no teeth, and in need of either partials, dentures or implants....and of course I have absolutely no way to pay for this venture.

Alright, now that health is out of the way, let's look at my other goals.

C) FFUCK AND GET FFUCKED as often as possible while I still can. I intend to take my first fist this year. As I feel fat and ugly, I need to get thin and feel sexy before all this can manifest.

D) PAY OFF ALL BILLS, and prepare for the summer "down time" from my employer (who could give a ffuck) UCLA. I need to get a summer job lined up before I get thrown to the wolves. This, btw, for anyone who will read it, is a very interesting story that I will be very vocal about...and I hope it shames UCLA to the readers (much as I DO love them and being there). I also desperately need to start saving for old age...oh wait...I am old....well, for 65...ug, 9.5 years away and counting....

E) BUY AND NEW COMPUTER. I desperately need a new computer and want to put up a website, but can't until I do. I'm shooting for an IMac, but I'll settle for another PC. Actually, I like my PC better.

F) START A VIABLE AT HOME BUSINESS. I can do this. Make and sell one of a kind ritual robes on line, with my sketches for sale too. Other things I love to make, runes. Maybe even God and Goddess figures.

G) TRANSFORM THIS BUNGALOW into someplace that I'm not ashamed to have people visit. It wouldn't take much...just DO IT.

H) MOVE!!! I want to live in a larger place with a yard and not many people around me.

I) DO AT LEAST ONE "OLD MAN PORN". I'm still sexy, I ffucken love porn, and I wanna leave one piece of footage, after I get my body back, for posterity. It'll take some Viagra and a shot to the dick, but hey .

J) PROGRESS WITH MY COVEN. Continue to study, learn and write ritual and grow as a Witch. I love the Warriors, and I want to dedicate my life to them. Get back to practicing Witchcraft on a regular basis, with study.

K) WRITE FFUCKING SOMETHING I CAN TRY AND PUBLISH. My life long dream, and I neeed to DO it.

L) And last but not least...FALL FFUCKING IN LOVE AND AVE SOMEONE LOVE ME!!! But I don't think that's viable until I clean up MY act.

M) This is a stupid one but: BUY A NEW WARDROBE OF LEATHER AND EVERYDAY CLOTHES. I'm litterally wearing rags...LITERALLY.

Well, that's it for 2night. I actually got important beginning stuff down. My Manhattan is almost gone, and I wanna get to bed somewhat early 2night....I've only been getting 4"ish" hours sleep a night.

BTW, saw "Female Of The Species" last night at the Geffen with my "friend" and I used the term loosely. It was fantastic. Anette Benning was great, but the rest of the cast was an amazing ensemble. We loved it!

BTW, the attached picture is of me at Pantheacon this past Friday night. We presented a ritual for Valentines day, and were ffucking fabulous. This is me in front of my assigned Southern Quarter. Date: 02-12-10, age 55.

G'night and love, Darkmoon

PS: BTW...There is an "N)" GET FFUCKING RICH...I FFUCKING HATE BEING POOR!!!! Why is it we're trained not to believe in or ask for wealth???

Blogging and Why

A friend of mine turned me on to this site a couple of nights ago after telling him I'd always been curious about blogging. Why I wanna do this, well, I just wanna catalogue, in one place, the events of my life as they happen...I don't particularly anticipate anyone reading this, but it will certainly help me keep things in order, as far as dates and events, when and why what happened, etc. I'll give histories of important life events, maybe post pictures (but try to keep anonymity). It will also, one hopes, help me to find meaning back into my life, which I seem to have lost around September, 2001, when my life collapsed along with the World Trade Center.

Anyway, for the record, let me list and say a few things so I and anyone reading this will know just what the issues I want to write will be about.

a) DAILY LIFE happenings. Work, my babies (pets), hobbies, friends, Coven activities, etc.
b) HIV POZ: On December 23, 2009, at the Lesbian and Gay Center in LA I discovered I am HIV Poz. I will discuss this, how it came about, what my feelings are, and what my evolution with it is.
c) SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS: I will be totally blunt and up-front about my sexual escapades...they're dear to me, and sex is my last enjoyment in this life...not much else seems to matter anymore.
d) DENATAL/MEDICAL: My teeth and the medical, or should I say dental, industry. I have some very severe problems leading to some health issues, and I have some severe words to say about the dental industry...and health care industry as well.
e) AGING:...55, ug, don't mind being here but it does bring up some interesting issues.
f) PERSONAL HEALTH PROGRESS: Maybe with pictures. I intend to try and transform this body I've let collapse into something very viable. I have a goal...to do old man porn.
g) HISTORY: Blurbs and sweets recollections from years past.
h) FINANCIAL PROGRESS: Trying to start an online business, and make some money for old age...which is already here...I'll track the progress.

Well, for now, I must sign off and get my ass moving on some sewing I'm doing for the Coven I belong to, "The Rainbow Warriors". I've made us all capes as a "2009 happy birthday, happy Yule" gift, and I'm just finishing them up.

G'night and hugs, Moonshadower